Love + revelation

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"
- Mary Oliver

This is in the front of a beautiful book of poetry my girlfriend gave me for Christmas. Um, yes, I did say girlfriend.

Let me back up a little for those of you I don't talk to on a regular basis. Or anyone I haven't felt comfortable being honest with... oh, wait that's most of us, including myself...

A few years ago - probably before Leah was born - I would have thought that yes, of course, I was living a full life, not "breathing just a little." I sought out + pursued what I thought were my passions. Sure, I was attracted to women, but thought that was just a small part of me, and I didn't think it really mattered. Growing up in a religious household, it just wasn't an option.

I spent a lot of my life following a path designed to gain approval from the important people in my life. Acceptable schooling, friends, jobs, boyfriends. Husband, baby, house. And then, after I'd accomplished all those big, important shoulds, I looked around + realized something was missing: me. And those passions I was pursuing? Those were mostly in the name of getting approval. Which is so not the way I want to be living! And certainly not what I want to model for my daughter.

I'm gay. Growing myself to the point where I no longer have to ignore that fact has kind of been the last immense step of working on my need for approval. This revelation brings both huge relief + heartbreak. I'm so very sorry to everyone this has hurt, including me.

I won't go into everything I've worked on the past few years, by myself + with Rob. It's been excruciatingly painful + hard + obvious + amazing + wonderful... so many different things all at the same time. And it continues to be that way. We are good friends + hope to remain that way for as long as we both breathe. We are, first + foremost, loving parents to Leah. But we are separating so we can all live fuller, more honest lives.

Our families are sad, but largely supportive. Leah understands that sometimes her parents are upset, but we love each other + we love her. We'll be staying in the same house for the near future. We want to take things slowly + deliberately... gently + with love.

So, yeah, I have a girlfriend. A simply incredible woman I never imagined existed. Rob's got some interesting prospects, too. It sounds a little crazy, but that's where we are. New territory. Lots more breathing. Much more life + an abundance of love.