How things are

It is hard for me to write about here, this current life of ours.

Writing about my gayness + impending divorce is such a huge, personal thing to put out there.  I want to be honest, but I don't want to expose too much.  

In a nutshell:  we are all growing + living + loving well.  Better than expected, actually.  I am pretty damn proud of all of us.  There are no immediate plans to change anything beyond the hope to search for my own down-the-street apartment in the fall.  Living together has been good for us, in that it forces us to move slowly.  So thank you, crappy housing market!  But I can see that having separate residences will be even better for all of us, once the cost of daycare goes away at the end of the summer. 

Rob seems to be doing much better these days... getting back into the things he loves to do, spending lots of time with friends, with Leah, himself.  And we make sure to spend time with each other to reconnect; making steady progress in solidifying our new relationship.  Stepping back from each other after 16 years together is crazy hard, but also (and surprisingly) not as hard as we expected.  I think we're mostly there already.  It does, however, take constant checking in with each other so we feel anchored as we move forward.

Leah is growing + learning at her usual ridiculously-fast pace.  This morning I brought a bag of spring clothes home from the consignment shop around the corner, and she sorted through each item, making comments so descriptive that the reality of her growing up so so quickly slapped me in the face.  Yet again!

Me, I always feel sadness.  Sometimes it's front + center; other times it sits more in the background while I get to experience hope, happiness, joy, love, anger, frustration, resignation, despair, peace...  Feeling the full range of my feelings is new for me.  Crazy! 

After the initial relief that came with finally coming out, I retreated back into myself for a while... feeling so new + raw + exposed.  Protective of myself.  Now I'm beginning to reach out.  I started going to a women's coming-out support group in the city (such relief to find people like me, finally!) + I'm talking more to the friends who are supportive.  This weekend I'll see some of my family for the first time since I told them what's going on, which both terrifies + comforts me.  Aaaaahh!

Life with Tammy continues to fill me with amazement.  Every day I find myself learning, loving, and growing in ways I never expected.  And finally understanding what all those sappy love songs are about.  ;)  Leah loves spending time with her, and we've all (yes, even Rob) had dinner together a few times.  I am so thankful for the goodness we have together, all of us.

So that's how things are today.  Mostly good, with some expected challenges sprinkled in.  You know, like life!  Most of the time I can see that the path we're on is true.  It finally (yes!) feels right to me.  I can't wait to see how spring + summer unfold...