Spring cleaning

Today was a great day.

Yesterday = not so great for me on a personal level.  I witnessed myself becoming quiet, withdrawn... afraid to express who I am... feeling unworthy of my own desires, thoughts, feelings.  Feeling so much pain + guilt + hopelessness.  Feeling trapped.

A few months ago I'd never felt stronger, more me.  And then that oh-yeah-everybody-I'm-gay-and-getting-divorced thing happened.  I wasn't able to pay much attention to that strong woman I'd become, and took up (helpful at the time) coping behaviors that have run their (helpful) course + need to be kicked outta bed!

After recognizing what had been going on for me yeterday, I feel a huge veil has been parted for me, and I can see myself clearly for the first time in months.  Today I felt conscious + alive;  not ashamed or guilty or afraid.  Today's theme was  music, dancing, sunlight, play with Leah, good boundaries w/ her + myself, (good, simple) food shopping, plant + seed shopping, digging in my dirt, clearing things out, choosing to be present + keep moving.  (I LOVE to keep moving!)

What a tremendous relief.

I'm not expecting everything to be perfect from here on out, but it's such a GREAT reminder of who I want to be, and who I already am!  So yeah, as much as it was + may be hard going forward for me, I am GRATEFUL for it.  For the reminder that when pain comes, it's good to PAY ATTENTION TO IT, understand it, and do your very best to move through it.